
Prepared Remarks for Concerned Parents
Avoiding President Barack Obama’s
Back to School Event
Americaland, USA
September 8, 2009
Hey Kids,
Y’all OK today? I know you probably thought that staying home from school meant you were gonna get to play Xbox and eat Cheetos all day, and you’ll get to do that stuff, but first I want you to listen. I thought we might have some of your little friends from down the street would be joining us today but, as you can see, they’re not here. I bet they’re at that school. Why? Because obviously they’re parents don’t care about them or love them as much as your parents love you.
Sure, you probably wished you could have stayed in bed longer since you already knew you weren’t going to school. I don’t care: if I’m up, you’re up. You think I don’t know that feeling? I wish I could sleep all day, too.
The reason I kept you home today is because there’s no way I’m going to let my child be indoctrinated by the current “president”. Do you know that word, ‘indoctrinated’? It means brainwashed! As in they take your brain and wash out what you’ve learned at home and put in what they want you to believe.
I’ve told you a lot about how that school will fill your head with all kinds of ideas and now they want to put the “president” on every TV in every classroom so he can tell you about “responsibility”. Well, you don’t learn responsibility from a “president”; you learn it from your family. Did you know that the “president” doesn’t even know where his family is from or where he was born? How can a person who won’t tell us where he was born manage to teach anything to anyone? If you had bothered watching the news with your parents over the past few months you would know that where a person is born is the single most important thing when choosing a president.
This “president” is, at this very moment, attempting to tell kids across our great nation about how the government is responsible for setting “high standards” in education. That’s right! The “government”. Can you believe it? It’s true. All good people know that the only standard for a good education comes from your home and parents! Now, I’ve already read the speech he’s says he’s going to deliver today. Yes, he sounds very pretty and calm, especially when he says to listen to your “teachers; grandparents, parents and other adults.” Other adults??!! And why does he put teachers first in that list? Don’t you see, children, it’s because Mr. Obama thinks that those public school teachers are the first people you should go to when you have a question about your education. I can tell you that he’s wrong! I can honestly tell you that I went to school for 12 years and never once asked a teacher a question. I wouldn’t have gotten to be your parent if I was a dummy, now, would I? Exactly.
I know this seems boring but it’s important. Sit down! Oh, yes you will listen, mister!
I could tell you the rest of what the “president” has written in his speech but then that would be just as bad as you sitting in school listening to it. Kids, listen, what it all boils down to is this:
Do not ever, ever listen to anyone about anything (ever!) if they are different from your parents. Generally, this does not mean just because they are Black or Mexican or China-man because some of those people are some of your parents’ best friends. There can be good people of all types of colors from most parts of the world. When I say different what I mean is this: if they believe in things other than what you’ve been told at home then they are wrong. Period. They will try all types of things to disguise their true message.
They will say things like “take responsibility and study hard”. What they mean is “Your church is wrong and you should practice witchcraft”. They will say, “Students who sat where you sit 20 years ago who founded Google, Twitter and Facebook and changed the way we communicate with each other.” What they mean is “We’ve been in the brainwashing business a long time so you should really just stop struggling and come with us. We’re here to help.”
There is absolutely no reason any president should ever address the population of the nation without a signed permission slip from everyone’s parents. Do you think I could get on TV in every classroom in the United States and say what I’m saying now? Isn’t this country “by the people, for the people and…” you know what I mean. Well, why not?
So that’s what I want you to think about today. Why is the president allowed to say things on TV and your parents aren’t? Also, I want you to each write a letter to yourself and think of how you can help your parents with their goals. I will tell you what our goals are when I think of some. Write another letter to your parents promising that you will never listen to any teacher or Democrat. Remember, they are lying. If anyone says they’re not lying then you know that they are lying about not lying.
OK, that’s all. Think about what I said.
Oh, please don’t spill any more Kool Aid downstairs.
And keep it quiet. I need to lie down for a while.
Thank you and God Bless America.